Making Friends Abroad: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

One of the biggest surprises of expat life has been realizing that making friends abroad never really ends.

Before we moved to Houston, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I would miss.

• Family dinners
• Friends who knew my entire history
• The ease of seeing people without checking calendars three weeks in advance

Loneliness was part of the picture I had in my head. That wasn’t the surprise. What surprised me was how much making friends abroad continues to evolve. I assumed that once we had settled in and found our people, that part would be done.

Instead, I’ve learned that building a social life abroad is an ongoing process. People move away. Lives change. New friendships develop. Others fade into occasional catch ups. Not because you’re doing anything wrong. Not because you’re failing to connect. It’s simply the reality of building a life in an expat community.

The Reality of Making Friends Abroad

One thing I genuinely love about living in America is how friendly people are. People chat while waiting in line. Parents strike up conversations at school events. Neighbors stop for a quick catch up.

It’s easy to have pleasant interactions. What’s harder is figuring out how those interactions turn into actual friendships.

After almost 2.5 years here, I still don’t fully understand the process. Maybe it’s cultural. Maybe many Americans already have established circles built over decades of family connections, college friends, neighbors, church communities, or sports teams. Maybe it’s because we’re expats and everyone knows there is always a chance we’ll leave again. Or maybe friendship simply develops differently here than what I’m used to.

I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that building meaningful relationships has taken longer than I expected.

The Years That Felt Easy

Ironically, the first year and a half felt easier. At the time, I didn’t really appreciate what we had.

Together with other expat moms, I had built a small expat community. Most of us weren’t working. The kids were in school. We had regular coffee mornings, long lunches, weekend plans, birthday parties, and playdates. Nothing spectacular. Just ordinary life.

Looking back, I realize those friendships made making friends abroad feel much easier than it does today. We were all navigating the same challenges of living abroad, figuring out American culture, and building a life far from home.

Those expat friendships formed naturally because we all had something many of us don’t have now. Time. Time to meet for coffee on a random Tuesday. Time to turn casual conversations into real friendships. Time to build a social life abroad without squeezing it between work meetings, school schedules, and family logistics.

Then Life Changed

Some friends moved back to the Netherlands. Others moved somewhere else in the world. That’s simply part of expat life. People come and go, and communities are constantly changing.

Around the same time, my own life changed too. I started working full time again.

One thing I didn’t expect is how much harder making friends abroad becomes when you’re balancing work, family life, and all the logistics that come with raising children far from home. And while I wouldn’t want to go back, I do sometimes miss the space I had back then to build deeper connections.

Because friendships need more than a quick coffee or a chat at school pickup. They grow through shared experiences, regular conversations, and all the small moments in between.

These days, my weeks are filled with work, school schedules, activities, grocery runs, and trying to remember which child needs what on which day.

A logistical masterpiece or complete chaos. Depends on the week.

Either way, there is a lot less room for the spontaneous coffee dates that once made building a social life abroad feel so much easier.

The Friendships Back Home Change Too

For a long time, I thought this was mostly an expat issue. Then I realized something. The relationships in the Netherlands have changed too. Not because anyone stopped caring. Life simply moved forward.

Friends built careers, had children, moved houses, developed routines and priorities that make complete sense for the stage of life they’re in.

Every time we visit, there are more people we’d like to see than time allows. And even with close friends, staying connected isn’t always easy. A seven hour time difference combined with two busy families means there is rarely a perfect moment to call.

And if you’re like me and not particularly gifted at texting, that doesn’t exactly help. More than once I’ve thought, “I’ll reply later.” Then somehow it’s Friday.

Final Thoughts

When we moved abroad, I knew loneliness would occasionally be part of the experience. What I didn’t expect was how often friendships and relationships would change shape.

At first, I thought the challenge was making friends abroad. Find your people, build a circle, settle in, and life would eventually feel stable. But that’s not really how life abroad works.

The longer we stay here, the more I realize that building a community abroad isn’t something you finish. You keep building it. Even in the same city. Even after years of living here. Because the community itself keeps changing.

Maybe that’s one of the biggest differences between expat life and life in the Netherlands. There, friendships often evolve gradually as people move through different stages of life. Here, change can happen overnight. Someone gets a new assignment, moves back home, or starts a new chapter somewhere else in the world.

That’s why I’ve come to see that making friends abroad isn’t a one time challenge. Expat friendships evolve constantly as people come and go, families grow, and life changes.

Building a life abroad means continuing to invest in new connections, even when you know not all of them will last forever.